Happy Fricking Fourth of July

Years ago, I worked with a man named Jerry who had what he called the “Theory of Constants”. Jerry’s theory was that there are only so many of everything in this world and that things just shift around. For instance, there are only so many broken feet in the world so when one person’s broken foot heals, another person’s foot is broken in order to keep the number of broken feet in the world constant. If this theory is true, last year someone had a horrible 4th of July because mine was so wonderful and this year, I hope that same person had a wonderful 4th because mine stunk!

Where shall I begin? Well, in order to keep this entry fairly short, I’ll discuss only the actual day of the 4th of July.

H was crazy busy all the days leading up to the 4th so he never got around to prepping and launching our boat for the big 4th of July cruise and fireworks watching. I was a little worried about this but figured he knew what he was doing and the boat was fine last year.

The night of the 3rd, as we were all heading to bed, H said, “I want to have the boat packed up, launched and be on the water by 10:00 a.m. tomorrow.” On the morning of the 4th, I got up at 6:00 a.m. to start making food for the picnic. At 8:30 a.m. H left the house saying only, “I’ll be right back”, and drove away with the boat in tow. He didn’t say where he was going, what he would be doing, etc., but I interpreted, “I’ll be right back” to mean that he would be back within roughly a ½ an hour.

9:30 came and went and he wasn’t back . . .
10:30 came and went and he wasn’t back . . .
11:30 came and went and he wasn’t back . . .

Since he’d been gone so long, I assumed that he had gone to launch the boat since last year there was a long wait for those who waited until the 4th to launch. So, I finally called him to find out where he was, no answer. Meanwhile, we’re all sitting around ready to go, waiting for H.

Noon comes around and no H. I leave another cell phone message.

12:15 comes around and here comes H driving up with the boat still in tow. Apparently he had been off at a friend’s house fixing some light on the boat. So, we pile everything into the boat and people into the car and off we go.

We get to the marina and, surprisingly, there is no wait to get the boat launched. I took this as a good sign that things were turning around. So, H gets the boat down the ramp, goes to start the boat and . . . it won’t start. He fiddles with it for a while, can’t get it working so pulls the boat back out of the water to try to fix it, decides it needs more work than he can do there at the marina so he drives off, with the boat, and an, “I’ll be right back”.

So, we all sat around on the beach at the marina planning my wedding and having a fair time but after about an hour, I get worried and call H to tell him that I don’t want him to have to work on the boat all day since it’s supposed to be a fun day and that we should just cancel the boat trip. H says that the boat is fixed and he’s just getting ready to head back to the marina. H gets there, we all pile in, the boat starts, and off we go.

It was a lovely day on the lake. Warm but not hot. Light breeze. Clear as a bell. Fairly calm water. H was giving everyone the talking tour as we zoomed along the lakeshore. Everyone was having a good time and then . . . we slowed down to look at an eagle’s nest and . . . the boat stalled. It took a little work on H’s part but he got the boat started again and off we zipped. The good time was resumed and then . . . the boat stalled again. H got it restarted and this scene was replayed once more but the last time H got it restarted he said we were heading back in. Everyone was a little disappointed but, all in all we got a few hours on the lake so that was good.

We got back to the marina and we had lunch on the boat while H went back for the truck and trailer. We got the boat out and headed back to the cabin. During the drive back we were discussing alternatives for fireworks watching and decided to go to the display in Tahoe City which were set to start at 9:30.

When we got back to the cabin we began discussing what we wanted to do during the 5 hours before the fireworks. My sister (from this point forward known as Dipshit) wanted to go to the casinos or go sit on a beach for 5 hours waiting for the fireworks to start. Neither option was appealing to anyone but her. She wasn’t happy that no-one liked her ideas so was getting rather bitchy.

H and I left to run to the store for ice and when we got back . . . no-one was around except Dipshit and her husband and they were engaged in a screaming match. As we parked the car, we saw the other people slowly approaching the cabin. Apparently while we were gone, WWIII broke out between Dipshit and her husband and the others didn’t want to witness it so they went for a walk.

We got out of the car and the others came back to the house and we resumed our discussion about what to do during the 5 hour pre-fireworks window when Dipshit came stomping out of the cabin with her husband in tow and announced that they were leaving. We said okay and said goodbye to them which is not what she wanted to hear – she wanted us to beg her to stay, etc. – so this just made her madder and she started going off on us all about how we had been picking on her all weekend and that she was tired of it, etc. When no-one engaged her in her madness, she announced that she was going off to the casinos, jumped in her car and drove off.

20 minutes later the phone rings and it is her saying that her car won’t start and asking me to come and get her. I said okay and then went outside to the deck where everyone was hanging out and told them all what happened. We all had a good laugh and then got into a debate as to whether we should actually go rescue her and if we did, who should do it. I thought it should be H and her husband, H thought it should be her husband and me, etc. So, her husband and I got in my car and drove off to find her. When we got there her car was running and she was waiting beside it.

She said that the car suddenly started working and that she was coming back to the cabin to get her stuff so she could leave. The rest of us had figured out our game plan for the evening and had started prepping for heading out. When Dipshit came out and saw that we were completely unaffected by her insanity she decided, unfortunately, to join us . . . just to prolong the torturing of us, I'm quite sure.

So, we all climbed into the car and headed off for the lake. We got to the lake, found great parking, and Dipshit informed us that she wouldn’t be joining us in whatever we were doing so we said okay and let her go off. She went off, we think, to a bar and we went to the lake, found a great spot to watch the fireworks from, set out our stuff and then went off on a hike.

After the hike we ate our picnic dinner (fried chicken, potato salad, green bean salad, chips and salsa, and lemon bars), played some liar’s dice, joked about what Dipshit was doing and then watched the fireworks. A fairly good time was had by all.

Then . . . it got really stupid and really ugly.

When the fireworks were done, we packed up our stuff and headed back to the cars. The guys were carrying the heavy stuff (ice chests, etc.) so my friend D and I went to get the car. When we got to the car, Dipshit was standing behind my car looking around. She saw us and walked towards my car without saying a word. D and I got into the car and she got into the back seat. I started the car and turned and saw that Dipshit had gotten out of the car and was standing about 5 feet from the car with the door wide open. I asked her what she was doing and she said, “I don’t feel like sitting in the car.” I explained that I was driving the car over to where the guys were so they could load up there. She said, “Fine, then I’ll just walk over there.” And walked off.

I got out of the car, went around and closed the door she had left open and drove over to the guys. When I got there, Dipshit wasn’t there. So, we loaded the car and discussed what we should do about Dipshit. Dipshit’s husband and I were of the same mind, just leave her. Other people, including H, weren’t so sure about that plan. So, I sat there in the car while everyone debated this and then H told me to head back to where the car had been parked to see if she was there. Dipshit’s husband chimed in and said that it wouldn’t do any good since he was sure she wouldn’t be there (they’ve been together 15 years so he knows her pretty well). I sat there debating what to do and then suddenly, H went berserk.

He started yelling at me to go to where the car was parked, etc., and I told him to knock off the yelling and he yelled louder so . . . I told him to get the fuck out of the car. He continued to yell so, I made him get out of the car and I drove off without him. Dipshit’s husband suggested that we drive over to a parking lot where there were a bunch of people standing around to see if Dipshit was one of them so, I did. Dipshit’s husband got out to go look around for her but she wasn’t there. So, he got back in the car and we headed home. After about a mile, we saw H walking on the road and pulled over to try to get him back in the car. He was still ranting and raving but Dipshit’s husband finally talked him into getting back in the car and off we went again.

About 3 miles from where we last saw her we saw Dipshit walking down the road. We pulled over to try to get her to get in the car but she resisted. Finally H told her to get her ass in the car or he was going to pick her up and throw her in so she got in and she proceeded to bitch all the way home.

We finally got back to the cabin and Dipshit packed up and left along with her husband. H was still mad so he got in his car and drove off so it left just my friends and me. We had a good old time talking about how surreal the night was and what a fricking loon my sister is, etc., and then we all went to bed.

The next morning, around 6:00 a.m. H strolled in the front door. A few hours later everyone else had packed and left and that left just the jerk and me. We got into a shouting match and I told him to get lost so he left the cabin. I went back to bed and slept for a couple of hours and woke up around 11:00 a.m. H came home shortly after that and explained why he went so nuts and begged forgiveness . . . I’m still debating whether to bestow it.

So, in hindsight, I realize that I was a shitty hostess and that if I had been a good hostess, I would have asked my sister to leave so that she didn't spoil everyone else's day but . . . I know my sister and that would just have lead to violence on her part.

So . . . Hope your 4th was better than mine!

Happy Fourth of July

We’ve got a house full of people so not much time to write and post but wanted to wish you all a happy fourth.

Remember, he who goes forth with a fifth on the fourth rarely comes forth on the fifth.

Have a happy and safe fourth of July!!!