The Good News Is . . .

Life with my mother-in-law hit a new milestone yesterday when we had the most difficult day ever with her. She not only refused to do anything -- e.g., shower, change her diaper, eat, take medication, etc. -- but she became extremely belligerant and yelled at and threatened me and with VENOM. It was very disturbing and tested my patience to an extreme.

Saturday was the prior worst day. I got up in the morning and a few minutes after I went downstairs, she came into the family room on her own. She was still in her pajamas (but had put her bra on outside them) and she had removed her diaper. She smelled of urine and she didn't have her teeth in. I saw her and approached her and said good morning. I said it was good to see her up and asked if she was ready to get cleaned up and dressed for the day. She said no.

She walked over to her favorite chair and sat down but luckily, I had time to run and put down a pee pad. I turned on the television for her and she sat there watching it. I asked if she wanted some breakfast, she said no. That's not unusual and when she does that we just make her breakfast and set it on a tv tray next to her and she will eventually eat it. So, that's what we did but, she wouldn't touch it. We both tried approaching her at different times to change her patch (medication for the dementia) and she refused to let us touch her.

Eventually lunch time came around so we threw out the breakfast and made her a sandwich and set it down and . . . she didn't touch it. Dinner was the same. We tried to get her to eat at different times during the day but she just refused. She's had days in the past where she didn't want to eat but she would eat a little and the next day, eat a lot so at first we weren't too worried about it but when it stretched out all day with her eating nothing, it was worrisome.

We continued to try to get her to let us get her cleaned up, clothes changed, etc., but she refused except that she eventually did let me put a new diaper on her after I walked back into the family room to find her sitting on the couch -- no pee pad.

We were both pretty concerned and frustrated but, she was not relenting and you can't force someone to eat or forcibly remove her diaper, etc., so we let her go to bed early and hoped that Sunday would be better.

Nope.

Not by a long shot.

Sunday morning George was out meeting with a friend and I went in to check on her around 10:00 a.m. (she'd been in bed since 8:30 the night before and had the same diaper that I had put on her the prior day). I opened the blinds to let the sun in and asked if she was ready to get up and take a shower -- same thing I do everyday. She said no (same thing she does everyday) so I told her she could spend a little more time in bed but needed to start thinking about getting up. I left the room and came back 15 minutes later.

And then it started . . .

She was out of bed and sitting on the leather bench at the foot of our bed which I thought was a good sign but, as soon as I mentioned a shower she informed me that she would NOT be taking a shower because the tub is acting up. I explained that it was working fine and that she would feel better once she showered. She refused. She also refused everything else -- changing her diaper, getting dressed, eating, taking her medication, etc., because, "I'm grown and I don't have to do anything I don't want"  which . . . is true so, what could I do. I told her that I recognize that she's grown but that she should think about getting cleaned up so we could get her dressed and then, it was like someone flipped a switch.

She started screaming and yelling at me that: I don't help her, that I've never helped her, that she takes care of herself; I better shut my fucking mouth or she was going to kick my ass; both my husband and I are stupid and ignorant; I better get my "stinking ass" out of her room or she would physically throw me out of her room; etc.  I stayed pretty calm through it all and tried to reason with her for a bit and then would just leave the room.

I kept leaving and waiting 10 minutes or so and going back to try again -- usually this works because she never remembers that we already went through it 10 minutes before -- but, of course, this day she remembered everything. Each time I walked in she started ranting and raving about how she had told me to get the hell out and that I obviously was stupid cuz I was still here so she was going to make me get out, etc.  She would say things about my husband being stupid, that he doesn't care about me, etc., and I just kept trying to get her to at least let me clean her up and change her.

She told me that I should go back to whereever I came from and call whoever brought me here and have them come get me before she kicked my ass, etc.  I was so frustrated by then I just said, "Well, in order to beat me up, you'd have to catch me first and . . . you can't catch me." which . . . I thought was funny. She didn't though and started going on about how she could and would catch me and give me the beating of my life, etc. And, the thing that freaked me out was the look on her face, it was pure hatred and she looked evil. I called the SIL that normally cares for her and had her talk to her and she was sweet as pie talking to her but, once they hung up she still refused to do anything and was still spitting venom.

By then it had been going on for a couple of hours. I could smell the urine and feces and she didn't have a pee pad under her (the diapers will leak if overloaded) and I tried to get her to sit on one but she just spat venom at me and refused. She had been in the same diaper for 24 hours and I had had it. I told her that she should be nicer to people who are trying to help her and she started raving about how I better not talk about her mother and she was literally spitting mad -- spitting. I called my husband and told him that he needed to get back here because she was in a rage and I couldn't deal with her.

He came back and she was still agitated but not screaming at him but, she refused to let him clean her up so she sat in that filthy diaper until later that evening when she finally went into the bathroom and I went in there and took it and gave her a new one. I tried to get her to clean herself with these adult wipes that we have but she refused so, she literally put her stinking ass in a new diaper but I figured that was better than putting it back into a filthy diaper. George had been trying to get her to eat too but she wouldn't so I went and got KFC, which is a favorite of hers, and she ate three pieces so, at least she got some sustenance (filled with fat, salt, etc., but . . . it's food).

This morning she was pretty much back to normal. She wouldn't take a shower but she said she wanted a bath which was so freaking hard to do because we have a big tub so getting her into it without her falling was a HUGE undertaking. Getting out was worse -- she refused to help us by standing or sitting up (she had laid back in the tub) so we had to literally lift her dead weight up and out of the tub -- I honestly don't know how we did it without dropping her. She was wet and slippery and my husband had surgery on one arm/hand a week or so ago so he can't really use that arm and . . . she's no lightweight. She's not fat but she is a solid woman. I'd guess she weighs around 140 or 150. It was really, really hard.

AND . . . it didn't really get her clean. She just soaked in the water but refused to soap up, etc., so when I was drying her off and getting her dressed, she still smelled. I tried to get her to let me use the wipes but she refused. But, she did let me get her dressed, she ate breakfast and she got in the car with us to go run some errands. Thankfully it was a beautiful Fall day so we had the windows open because . . . she smelled like urine. I'm hoping tomorrow I can get her into the shower because she really, really needs one and it freaks me out thinking how dirty she must be.

The hard part is, the last couple of days has changed me in how I deal with her. I find it difficult to interact with her like I used to because she has been so awful the last couple of days and she was just so damn ugly yesterday. I realize that she is not in her right mind but, it's made me very wary of her. I just can't fake being sweet and light with her. I'm not mean but I used to be very cheerful and positive when dealing with her and now I'm fairly monotone and just matter of fact.

When talking with my SIL yesterday evening, she said, "The good news is, the fact that she's being so ugly means she feels more comfortable around you. She's sweet as pie to folks she doesn't feel she knows well. She's been horrible to me like this many times and, be careful because she has become violent a few times and started hitting me."

I've always bugged my husband that he and the other sibs should do something very nice for SIL and appreciate what she does for their mother but after this . . . I appreciate her even more. I just can't imagine living like this for years and years. But, when she was being awful I just kept thinking about how I would act if she were my mother and how I would want an in-law to treat her and that helped me stay fairly patient with her . . . at least on the outside.