Life As We Know It . . .

On August 25th, my mother-in-law came to stay with us for a few months. She lives in Wilmington, DE with her youngest daughter and son-in-law. My sister-in-law has been caring for their mother for a few years now and she had an opportunity for a temporary job working on something related to the election that she wanted to take and she and her husband needed a little break.

The other siblings live a lot closer -- one right there in Wilmington, one in Indianapolis and the other in Atlanta but while they're all quick to be involved with their mother's affairs -- e.g., telling the sib that cares for her what to do; trying to obtain financial control over the mother; etc. -- amazingly, none would step up to take her in for 2.5 months so SIL could have a break and do something she wanted. When they finally asked us -- they were reticent because we live in California which is sooooooo far away -- we gladly accepted.

The trick is that my mother-in-law has dementia and Parkinsons and while it's been a lot of work and stress, it's been worth it for various reasons.

It gives my husband the opportunity to spend some concentrated time with his mother -- he's lived away since he was 18 and while he goes back to visit fairly often, it's not the same as day-to-day involvement. And, it gives him the opportunity to spend some time with her while she still, somewhat, knows who he is. She always seems to realize they're related but doesn't always know he is her son. Me, she rarely remembers. I am usually the maid, the nurse, the housekeeper, the cook ("Hey! Cook lady! I'm hungry!"), etc. Maybe 1 percent of the time she knows that I am her daughter-in-law.

She generally remembers the names of people in her immediate family -- probably about 50% of the time. But, she rarely remembers who is alive and who isn't and she doesn't always know what their roles are -- for instance, she will think that her grandmother is her mother, etc. She sometimes thinks we're in Atlanta, Gordon GA, Wilmington, Rockford, etc., but never knows that she is in California.

She sometimes thinks that George is her uncle, brother, cousin, an old neighbor or lately, . . . her husband.

She has good days and bad days. Good days for her means she is more lucid than usual and knows who everyone is but, those are the hardest days for us because she is sassy and stubborn and refuses to do anything she is supposed to do like eat, take her medications, walk, etc.  She is often angry (stemming from frustration, in my opinion) and borderline belligerant in that she will NOT do anything. She will not get out of bed. She will not change her underpants (diaper). She will not be showered. She will not take her medication. She will not get dressed. She will not eat. She will not go with us if we have somewhere we need to be, etc., and every single action is a drawn out affair which is exhausting, frustrating and stressful. So, her good days are bad days for us.

Her bad days are when she's really not lucid. Doesn't really know where she is or how to do anything -- e.g., she asks for a cookie, you give it to her and she looks at it and says, what do I do with it now? And you have to show her how to eat the cookie, etc. But, those days are easiest for me because she's fairly compliant and will mostly do what's asked of her (even if she does need a little instruction).

It's funny because I heard my husband telling his sibs that taking care of her is not that hard and that she can stay with us forever or, if SIL needs another break, we'd be glad to take her and I worried because the majority of the work was falling to me. I get her up from bed, showered, dressed and ready to go. He then makes her breakfast (always whatever he is already making for himself). If we have to go somewhere, I do the explaining, cajoling, begging, pleading, getting stern, etc., to get her to get up and come with us. Once she's up, he helps her into the car, etc. So, I told him he needed to help more and that we would split duties -- he would get her out of bed and once she's up, I will go in and shower, dress, etc., her.  He will get her to go to bed and once she's in the bedroom, I will change her and get her ready for bed, etc. I told him that the reason she thinks that I'm the maid, nurse, cook-lady, etc., is because most of her interaction with me is my trying to make her do something, etc.

Since we've made this shift, he has stopped saying that caring for her is easy and that she can stay forever. He now admits it's a lot of work and that she is always welcome back if Viv needs a break but, he recognizes that permanent residency is not really viable. It works for my sister-in-law because she does not work and does not like to leave her home. She likes staying home all day and not having folks over, not going anywhere, etc., and does that whether or not her mother is there. She enjoys caring for her mother so, it works.

Lately, she seems to think that George is her husband which bothers him. I think that's partially my fault because the other day she was staring at a picture of his father and asked me who it was (George looks a lot like his father). I explained that it was her first husband and she stood there staring at the picture for a good 20 minutes. The next day, she was in bed and George was sitting on top of the covers next to her - trying to convince her to get up. She was resisting so he called his younger brother to see if he could talk her into getting up. During the conversation, she snuggled up to George and threw her arm over him, he thought that was nice and then his brother asked her what she was doing and she said, "Lying in bed with my husband, just waking up." His eyes popped and he jumped out of the bed and said, "Mom, I'm your SON!" - it was pretty funny.

Since then she's made a couple of comments which make it seem like she sometimes thinks he is her husband (e.g., last night when he said he was going upstairs to bed (we gave her our room while she's here because it is downstairs) and she said, "Hold up, I'll go with you." He told her that she was sleeping downstairs in her room and she laughed and said, "What are you talking about? I'm sleeping with YOU and if you're going upstairs to bed, I'm going upstairs to bed." Kinda funny. Mostly in how he reacts. The bad part was, after that she refused to go to bed so she sat up in a chair in the family room all night with my husband sleeping on the couch next to her.

So, it's been an interesting adventure. Sad, funny, touching. And, frankly, scary. Seeing someone slowly lose their memories, motor skills, know how, etc., frightens me at times. I get scared that I might suffer something similar but, I guess if I'm far enough gone, I won't know. And, she's fairly young - 75. I have an 89 year old aunt who still cleans, cooks, drives, sasses, etc., so maybe there's hope for me but, ya never know.

As I'm typing, I hear them talking in the family room. She was demanding "her" cookies. George asked what cookies she meant. She said "The cookies that I put in the jewelry box!!!" So George hollered out to me about whether she put cookies in a jewelry box and then she said, "I didn't put cookies in no damn jewelry box, what do you think I am? Crazy?" there was silence for a moment and then she yelled at him, "I SAID I WANT MY COOKIES! THE ONES FROM THE JEWELRY BOX!" So he got up and gave her a couple of peanut butter Oreos. Life as we now know it.

Meanwhile, I will continue to do what I need to do and then on November 2nd, I'll go back to life as I knew it -- slightly altered but only for the better.